The Lonesome Leaker

The older I get, the more I am convinced, God has a great sense of humor. He has to have, right? I mean, look at us. In some ways, all of us are messed up. We make terrible decisions, do stupid things, blame others for our mistakes, make ridiculous statements, and act like we were never taught how to act. When he is not shaking his head in dismay, he must be laughing with that “when will you ever learn?” laugh!

I am sure God is getting a big kick out of all the sightings of Jesus in our favorite foods. Yes, food. Funny, no one sees Jesus in their laundry hamper or in the dishwasher, but if you look at a piece of lightly browned wheat toast or in a bag or your favorite potato chips, you just might find him!

In the past several years, hundreds of people have claimed to see Jesus in their food. Not just on toast or a potato chip, but in a breakfast taco, on a pancake, a banana peel, a pierogi, a pizza, ice cream, a fish stick, (He did talk about fishing a lot) and a grilled cheese sandwich. There is even a “Funyun” Jesus, a pretzel Jesus, and my favorite, the “Cheeto” Jesus. The woman who found the image of Jesus on her pierogi, sold for $1,775 on eBay! You found Jesus on your pierogi and you sold it on eBay? Talk about the height of sacrilege!

According to researchers, if you see Jesus on your toast or in a bag of potato chips, this is completely normal! Really? What is normal about claiming you saw Jesus in a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos? But, lead researcher Kang Lee, says, “Our findings suggest that it’s common for people to see non-existent features because human brains are uniquely wired to recognize faces.”

According to USA Today, Lee and his colleagues showed participants random pixelated images that were simply “noise,” Lee says, but 35% of subjects spotted faces or letters when researchers told them such images were there.” As Lee puts it, “believing is seeing,” and we see what we expect to see. “What we have shown is that a lot of what we see and perceive is actually determined by biases that already exist in our brains” before our brains process an image we’re seeing,” Lee concluded.

So, the next time you read someone saw Jesus when they bit into an apple or on an ice cube floating in their favorite cold beverage, (Yes, someone actually reported seeing Jesus in their gin and tonic.) they aren’t delusional. They are perfectly normal!

Meanwhile, God sits in heaven and shakes his head and laughs!

For centuries, historians taught that Spanish explorer Ponce de Leon was in search of the “Fountain of Youth”. In the early 1500’s,old Ponce left Puerto Rico for Bimini, but accidentally ended up in Florida. If the Fountain of Youth was actually in Bimini, Ponce missed by a long-shot.

We now know there is no mention of the Fountain of Youth in any documents connected to Ponce de Leon. However, that hasn’t stopped my dear state of Florida from capitalizing on this urban legend.  Each year hundreds of tourists drink from the stone well at St. Augustine’s Fountain of Youth Archaeological Park, hoping, with just a sip, they can be forever young.

Is it any wonder, centuries later, that Florida, where the mythical Fountain of Youth is located, the state with the largest percentage of its population over 65 years of age, also leads the nation in plastic surgery? In fact, Miami has nearly four plastic surgeons for every 100,000 residents. This is the highest number of plastic surgeons per capita in the nation! Holy Blepharoplasty Batman!

in 2016 Americans spent $16 billion on plastic surgery, with breast augmentation procedures leading the way. Liposuction, Nose-Reshaping, Eye-Lid Surgery and Face-Lifts followed closely behind. However, “Buttock augmentation” with fat grafting was up a whopping 26%! (We like big butts and we cannot lie!) There’s even Calf Augmentation, (how can you augment a calf without its mother getting mad?) Pectoral Implants, and my favorite, the “Thigh Lift”. The only thighs I have ever lifted is when I get the “Three Piece Dark” meal at Popeye’s!

Where I live, we even have “Age Management” clinics. There’s one on every corner. All promising some pill, or shot, or powder, or procedure that will make strong the weak, firm the limp, straighten the winding, and lift the fallen. You could almost make a bad gospel song out of their claims!

Women are the most susceptible to this idea we can be forever young. I mean ever since Jane Russell did the Playtex Bra commercials, women have been trying to lift and separate. However, the reality is, as we age, we sag and degenerate.

Men are nearly as guilty. After Nose-Reshaping and Eyelid Surgery, “Breast Reduction” rank 3rd on the list of male cosmetic procedures! (Can you say “man-boobs”?) Isn’t it just like women to want what men don’t want? We don’t want boobs, they want boobs. Rather than spending crazy amounts of money on these procedures, could we do some kind of swap? I’ll get rid of mine and give them to you? Sounds like a reasonable trade to me.

In the end, what’s it all for? We all get old and die. You can stretch it, tighten it, press the wrinkles out of it, lift it, fill it, and remove it, but that doesn’t stop the aging process. All it will do is possibly make you look a little better when they walk by your casket. However, knowing women, they will be all catty and say, “Did you know she had a boob job? She should have saved her money so she didn’t have to be buried in that cheap dress”!

If you are like most people, you have a “Know-It-All” in your life. You know the type. There is nothing they don’t know. Just ask them. Wait don’t ask them. In fact, you don’t HAVE to ask them. They gladly offer their unending stream of knowledge without ever being asked. As soon as they are in your presence, they need but open their mouth and out it comes, volumes upon volumes of information you never knew existed. In fact, you never really cared if it existed, but that doesn’t stop the know-it -all. They don’t even have to be part of the conversion. They are compelled to contribute. They know more, have seen more, have done more, and even if none of that is actually true, they will make you think it’s true. If they sky is blue, they will argue it’s green. They love to argue, particularly about things that don’t matter and no one cares about. Except for them, of course. They talk so much you want to choke them, but you know better! They would have to explain to you in minute detail how to go about the act of choking, the history of choking, and the physical, mental and emotional ramifications of choking, and that would defeat the purpose!

Today, it seems every sort of bad and boorish behavior is actually the result of a “syndrome” and the know-it-all is no exception! Psychology Today says the know-it-all actually suffers from the “Know It All Syndrome”! Imagine! In their May 2015 edition they detail in an article titled “What You Need to Know About a Know-It-All”. Really? Who needs to know MORE about the know-it-all? I think we are all in agreement we want to know less, not more!

Sales Aerobics For Engineers goes one step further. They explain how to deal with “Know-It-All Syndrome”! In fact, they claim there are actually three types of Know-It-All Syndromes.

There are the “Don’t Know-It-All Syndrome” folks, who operate under the delusion that they DO know it all, the “Self-Affirming Know-It-All Syndrome” sufferers, who are subject matter experts but require continuous affirmation, and finally, those who are victims of “True Know- It-All Syndrome”! These people actually DO know everything, but make our lives miserable by rubbing it in our face every chance they get!

The strategies to deal with the know-it-all are endless. Everything from don’t take it personally, to don’t argue, use flattery, give constructive feedback, be understanding as they actually suffer from incredibly low self-esteem, so on and so on. Everyone who knows a know-it-all has tried all of these approaches and more. The strategies don’t work because no matter which you attempt to employ, the know-it-all just won’t shut up!

And therein lies the answer. “Shut Up!” Yes, you heard me. “Shut Up!” Two simple words, used throughout the centuries, mostly by Dads. My Father used it often and it worked perfectly every time. The meaning of the phrase has never been misunderstood, nor has the response to the command; SILENCE. Sweet, blessed, SILENCE. “Shut Up”, end of discussion!

It’s been said “silence is the hardest argument to refute”. With the know-it-all, sometimes it takes a “Shut Up” to get you there!

If you have been to a funeral lately, you know there are a lot of crazy things said. “That doesn’t look like her”. “Who dressed him”? “She’s wearing that ring she promised me”. “He almost looks alive”. And so on. Why do people say such ridiculous things about a lifeless corpse? Maybe they don’t know better. Possibly they are dropping subtle hints to see what people might say someday when they are laying in the casket.

This is why most people have a member of the clergy “officiate” their funeral. They are looking for words of comfort, words of hope, words that will make everyone think he wasn’t really such a bad guy. (Even though he smoked and drank and kick dogs and screamed at little children). The nice words are really for us. They make us feel better. The corpse cant hear the words. (Of “corpse” they cant)

However, more often than not, those words of “hope” and “comfort” become words of confusion and cause everyone, (even the corpse) to scratch their head. (By the way, if a corpse scratches his head, does that make him a “Dead Head”?)

Here are some of the heart felt and comforting words I have heard ministers say at funerals:

• “The last time I saw her, she was alive”
• “It looks like he got the last laugh”
• “I really don’t know where he is, but I know he’s somewhere”
• “What are we having for the meal after the funeral?”
• “Let me tell you about that time I fell into a grave”
• “Bob was not a rich man or a proud man or a successful man”
• “We lost our most faithful tither”
• “Be comforted that if he’s above, he’s looking down on us, and if he’s below, he’s looking up at us”
• “The family didn’t know I would be saying this, however……”
• “I have three funerals today and I think I have the wrong notes in front of me”

So the next time you are planning a funeral maybe rethink the idea you need to have a minister speak. After all, his words aren’t changing the eternal destiny of the decreased, and as discussed, probably won’t be very comforting to you or the dearly departed!

With Mother’s Day upon us, it’s worth recalling the things Mom’s say. I think they call them “Momism’s.” You know, those little pieces of advice we heard from Mom that made us roll our eyes? We know they weren’t really true, but funny thing is, as we get older, we find ourselves saying them to our own children. Some I heard regularly were:

• I would never have talked to my Mother like that.
• You are going to put an eye out with that.
• You will fall and break your neck.
• “I don’t know” is not an answer. I don’t care who started it.
• If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

This is not an exhaustive list. I am sure if I put my mind to it I could fill several pages of legal paper with these pithy sayings. There are a couple, however, that deserve special mention.

“Someday your face will freeze like that.”

I come from a very crazy family. We used to love making faces. Still do. My dear grandmother was mortified we could never take a “nice” picture. That meant a picture where we didn’t make any faces. However, as a kid, I took that Momism to heart. I mean I really believed my face could actually freeze if I held it in some horribly contorted position long enough. I can remember going to the bathroom and staring at myself for long periods of time just to make sure my face looked normal. (As normal as my face can look.) I mean, its a terrible thing to tell a kid their face could get stuck when its not really true! I still have nightmares I go into work and everyone is laughing behind my back because my mouth is sideways and my eyes are crossed!

“Wait until your Father gets home.”

This one terrified me and every kid I knew. I mean here Mom relinquishes her parental duties and drops it in the lap of unsuspecting Dad. He comes home from a hard days work and all he wants to do is have dinner and relax. Then he is greeted at the door with, “YOUR children wouldn’t do anything I told them to do. YOU take care of them!” No wonder Dad’s the world over make excuses to come home late after work!

“Come here. Let me smell your butt.”

All I can say about this one is you know you are a Mother when picking up a child to smell their butt is not only normal, its necessary! To this very day……no…..I cant go there.

There is so much more I could say, but you get the idea. The collective works of Momism’s just might fill all the great libraries of the world!

So next time you catch yourself saying “What part of no don’t you understand”? or, “I’m not running a taxi service” or “The pee is supposed to go inside the toilet”, or “I love you too” (response to “I hate you”) look toward the heavens and thank the good lord for Dear Old Mom. The impact she made on your life is greater than you could have ever imagined.

 

 

Everyone seems to be searching for the secret to a lasting relationship. Our world is full of relationship counselors, guides, mentors, consultants, mentor and gurus. Everyone has an opinion on this issue. Just ask them. Consulting with friends, family, and professionals concerning how to achieve relational bliss seems to bring about more questions than answers. However, there is really only one simple question you need to answer to determine the longevity and contentment in a relationship, and that is, can you stand their gas?

That’s right! Gas. Everyone has gas. Oh, I know we spend untold weeks, months, and for some, even years, acting like we are the only people in the world who don’t pass gas. Especially women. I mean, when you are dating, you are lead to believe they never have a gaseous moment. Or, if they do, it smells like a field of lilies, or something similar. I mean, seriously guys, when you are out to dinner with her, what do you think she is doing when she says, “excuse me, I need to go to the ladies room”? Do you think she is fixing her hair and refreshing her makeup? No! She has excused herself because those refried beans from your favorite Mexican joint are pressing so hard against her lower intestines she is about to explode. That contrived smile isn’t because she is laughing politely at your jokes. It’s that look you get on your face in public when you feel a monster fart screaming to come out but you are doing everything in your power to hold it in! Its like she is saying under her breath, “please, please, please, please, stop talking to I can get up from this table and run to the bathroom before I blow!”

Men are pigs around other men, but when they are courting a beautiful woman, they are just as bad. I have had men friends tell me the years of unbelievable control and super human abdominal strength it took them to hold in their gas while they were with their sweet thing. It was even more difficult for them to not show the same pain on their face that was sweeping through their lower body. Add to that the fear of losing your loved one over letting one slip out and it’s almost too much to handle.

Guys and gals, at some point, you just have to let it go! You can’t hold it in forever! I say, the earlier in the relationship, the better. Get it out in the open (so to speak) and don’t hold anything back. He/she has to know, at some point, whether or not they can live with that. If they can’t, move on and find someone who can. No two people’s tastes (or smells) are the same. That foul smell just may be a sweet fragrance to someone else’s nostrils.

So, let er rip! The earlier the better! It’s the best relationship advice you will ever receive!

My employer, a multi-billion dollar global company, a leader in its field, recently migrated to a new Human Resources and Financial Management system. This was an extremely large systems integration, over 2 years and millions of dollars in the making. No one is ever ready for something like this. People generally hate change. Dislike of change is the reason most men wear the same pair of underwear for weeks at a time.  That and the belief that one more day isn’t that big of a deal.

So, no one was particularly excited they were going to have to learn a new system. They were less excited when they found out the current system was going to go away in November 2016, and the new system wouldn’t go live until January 3, 2017, right as everyone was returning from the Christmas and New Year’s holiday.

To prepare for the onslaught of calls, questions and complaints, the company hired an army of new Call Center Associates. “Tech Support” for short, if that’s actually shorter. They installed a new 800 number to handle the calls and inquires. They spent 2 months training the new associates in everything needed to respond in a timely and helpful manner.

January 3, 2017 came, the system was switched on, and, of course, it was a disaster. Nothing seemed to work or operate as it was advertised. Managers, Human Resources, Plant Personnel, all were very frustrated trying to make sense of this mess. After all, they had a business to run. They didn’t ask for a new system. The old one worked just fine. The decision to change was made by people who rarely use the system and never seem to bother to ask the average user their opinion of it all before they make the change.

So, the Call Center was flooded with calls. But answers? Are you kidding me? No one had any answers. The Call Center Associates could barely understand the questions! How could they? Many of them had only been hired a few months prior! You think a 2 month newbie can handle the ire of a 30 year grizzled vet who is P.O’d he can’t get his normal work done? No way!

After about a week of taking every kind of verbal abuse that can be dished out, the Call Center did what all Call Centers seem to do: They quit answering the phone! Yes! They put calls in an endless voice mail, prompt driven loop! It’s that loop from hell you can’t get out of. The one where no matter what numbers or series of keypad buttons you push, you cant reach a human. To add insult to injury, you received a canned “auto-response” when you tried to email for help! Its like everyone in Tech Support said, lets just hide under our desk for a couple of weeks, and when the smoke clears, surely everything will be better. They were even told to say, “We understand your frustration, things will get better!”

Really? “Things” will get better? Just magically, right? Things just get better? If you are having marital problems and you seek help, does the counselor say, “Don’t worry, things will get better?” No! Because things just don’t get better on their own. Things get better because you work on them, because you have a plan and a process in place to get you from where you are to where you want to be. That’s how “things” get better!

In desperation, they installed another phone number. This is the “Hyper-Care” line. That line you call when the issues are critical and need immediate attention. The most senior, most experienced, most knowledgeable people were called on the manage the “Hyper-Care” calls. That lasted for about 2 weeks, and the “Hyper-Care” service was disconnected.

During a call with my boss where we were reviewing this debacle, I told her I understood they got rid of “Hyper-Care” because all the callers were “hyper”, and no one in Tech Support “cared.”

She didn’t laugh.

Last week I got to do my least favorite thing in the world: (besides searching for clean underwear) I got to go to Quest Diagnostics for my semi-annual blood test. You see, I take some medication the requires my doctor to periodically check my potassium levels. I eat plenty of avocados and broccoli and figs, but that isn’t cutting it.

I don’t know anyone who likes to get stuck with needles and have the blood sucked out of their veins. (Except, maybe vampires. Oh wait, they do the blood sucking) So when I go to the lab, the last thing I am looking for is a sour attitude and total dislike for the human race. However, if you have the distinct lack of pleasure of going to Quest Labs, that’s exactly what you have in store.

From the moment I walked in the front door and heard the receptionist yell out into the waiting room, “Hey, I thought we were locking the door so I could leave early”, I never felt so unwelcome. It’s not like I have been waiting with Christmas Eve like excitement and anticipation for you to do my blood draw. I mean, I get that searching for veins and looking at butt cheeks was not part of the sales pitch as to why a career in phlebotomy was second only to debeaking chickens. But you did sign up, and I am the customer, and my insurance says I must come here, so let’s try to make the best of it. Besides, large, angry women holding needles and ordering me to pull your pants down is not my idea of a turn on.

The woman who was preparing to stick me had a scowl on her face like a Hillary supporter forced to wear a “Make America Great Again” hat. So I said to her, “Does everyone here hate their job as much as the “very unhappy to be here” receptionist? (Again, probably not the smartest thing to say in the moment)

Amazingly, her entire countenance changes, and she looks at me with a big smile and says, “Why I love my job”! Really? Because if that’s love, I need to reevaluate the meaning of “hate”. Everyone in this god-forsaken place, from the front desk to the back room, looked like they could win a stare down with Godzilla. I mean man-eating sharks would turn into vegetarians when faced with this crowd.

No sooner than she placed the Band-Aid on my arm, I got up and ran out of that place. If you hate your job and PEOPLE, that much, the last thing you need to be doing is carrying around sharp objects. Besides, most the technicians are big, angry looking woman, and I just know they are all man-haters. Add that to the mix, and its no place for the male species, if we want to survive!

I am already unable to sleep through the night just thinking about my next appointment!