Last week when I went to visit my favorite dog, Tucker Jones, I found him with the insidious “Cone Of Shame” around his neck. You know, that plastic Elizabethan collar that looks like a home-made satellite television receiver? Seems Tucker injured his paw and continued to lick his wound so much it was not able to heal. The Vet cleaned the wound, applied some antibiotic medication, and installed the cone so the healing process could begin. Seeing firsthand the changes that took place in Tuckers personality, demeanor, and interest level, got me thinking; If the “Cone Of Shame” works so well on dogs, what positive impact might it have on humans?
First and most obvious, it would be a great diet aide. Why hasn’t someone thought of this before? We had to hand feed Tucker because the cone kept his mouth from reaching his bowl. Now, most humans don’t stick their face in a plate (notice I said, “most”) but it would still be very difficult to eat with a large plastic collar around your head. Less food in the mouth means less pounds on the scale. I see the cone scoring high marks as an inexpensive and effective diet tool.
Second, Tucker barks a lot, but with the cone around his head, the sound was definitely more muted. In fact, I think the echo from the cone startled him and deterred him from barking. For that loudmouthed, know-it-all, never shuts up friend or family member? The cone is the perfect solution. Yeah, they can still pontificate, but its a lot more work. Plus, that sound of your voice bouncing off the cone is like listening to a recording of your voice. You know its you, but it sounds so weird, you aren’t sure you want anyone else to hear.
Third, there’s the pure entertainment value. We literally laughed our heads off as Tucker bounced his cone covered head off tables, chairs, the arms of the couch, cabinet doors, etc. It was like playing pinball without having to use the flippers. BOING! BING! BANG! Ladies, imagine the hours of fun watching your husband bounce off the walls, entry ways and shower doors, ricochet off the refrigerator and carom off the bedpost. The local comedy club could never provide this much fun.
Finally, it just may be the greatest birth control device ever, but I’ll leave that to your imagination!
The Lonesome Leaker 