Last week I was sick. Really sick. That kind of sick that causes you to lock the doors, shut the blinds, turn off the phone, crawl in bed with the covers over your head, and never see the light of day, sick. When I feel that crappy, I want to see no one, hear no one, or speak to no one. I am a “don’t bother me just wake me when it’s over” kind of person when I am sick.
I am not exactly sure how I got so sick. I think it was traveling to New Jersey on business. Just the thought of traveling to New Jersey is enough to make most people sick. Especially to Newark. Now there’s a place everyone wants to go. When you fly to the New York City area, you have three choices; JFK, Laguardia, and way down on this list, Newark. You can’t even call Newark an armpit, because that’s a slap in the pits to armpits. Its more like a cesspool, or a toilet that hasn’t been flushed for six months.
So I am on United from Tampa to Newark. The plane is completely full, and I am in the very back row in the middle between two very large men, who are both coughing and hacking and wiping snot on the back of the seat in front of them. I try not to touch them, but its impossible. Flying coach today is like cramming 250 people into a sardine can with wings and a rubber band powered engine. Its worse than the thought of the 300 pound woman who lives across from me giving me a sriracha sauce enema with a garden hose.
I wasn’t feeling bad while I was in Newark, but on the way back I could feel it starting to hit me. You know, that NyQuil commercial sniffling, sneezing, aching, coughing, stuffy-head, fever, kind of sick. I felt horrible, and immediately started rummaging through the cabinets to see what kind of medicinal elixirs I had at my disposal.
The worse thing you can do when you are sick is tell someone you are sick. Or let them see you or hear how you sound when you are sick. That’s because when you are sick, suddenly, everyone is a Doctor. Have you noticed this? Everyone has a medical opinion on what you should be taking, doing, not taking, not doing, etc. People you don’t know. People who never say a word to you. People who can’t even manage their own life. People who barely graduated High School, are giving medical opinions. Get plenty of rest. Drink plenty of fluids. Gargle with salt water. Swallow some combination of honey, lemon, apple cider vinegar, whiskey, Vick’s Vapor Rub, Castor Oil, hydrogen peroxide, butane, and on and on. Of course, there is an equally long list of what not to do.
Then, they all know a better Doctor than you are currently seeing. They haven’t actually seen this Doctor, but their neighbor or friend or someone who spoke to them while they were in the checkout line at Big Lots told them about this awesome Doctor. “Oh, this Doctor said you should do this, and this other Doctor said he would not recommend you being on that medication, and my friend, (Who is not a Doctor) said she had a horrible reaction to that, and even though her Doctor prescribed, she stopped that medication immediately.” (Because, or course, Gertrude who can’t find her keys or remember her phone number, knows more than any Doctor.)
Me? I am sick. Leave me alone. Don’t talk to me. Don’t tell me what your Doctor thinks. Don’t try to convince me you know what’s best for me. Don’t call me, I’ll call you. I’ll let you know when I feel better.
Like all things in life, “this too shall pass.”
The Lonesome Leaker 