For centuries, historians taught that Spanish explorer Ponce de Leon was in search of the “Fountain of Youth”. In the early 1500’s,old Ponce left Puerto Rico for Bimini, but accidentally ended up in Florida. If the Fountain of Youth was actually in Bimini, Ponce missed by a long-shot.
We now know there is no mention of the Fountain of Youth in any documents connected to Ponce de Leon. However, that hasn’t stopped my dear state of Florida from capitalizing on this urban legend. Each year hundreds of tourists drink from the stone well at St. Augustine’s Fountain of Youth Archaeological Park, hoping, with just a sip, they can be forever young.
Is it any wonder, centuries later, that Florida, where the mythical Fountain of Youth is located, the state with the largest percentage of its population over 65 years of age, also leads the nation in plastic surgery? In fact, Miami has nearly four plastic surgeons for every 100,000 residents. This is the highest number of plastic surgeons per capita in the nation! Holy Blepharoplasty Batman!
in 2016 Americans spent $16 billion on plastic surgery, with breast augmentation procedures leading the way. Liposuction, Nose-Reshaping, Eye-Lid Surgery and Face-Lifts followed closely behind. However, “Buttock augmentation” with fat grafting was up a whopping 26%! (We like big butts and we cannot lie!) There’s even Calf Augmentation, (how can you augment a calf without its mother getting mad?) Pectoral Implants, and my favorite, the “Thigh Lift”. The only thighs I have ever lifted is when I get the “Three Piece Dark” meal at Popeye’s!
Where I live, we even have “Age Management” clinics. There’s one on every corner. All promising some pill, or shot, or powder, or procedure that will make strong the weak, firm the limp, straighten the winding, and lift the fallen. You could almost make a bad gospel song out of their claims!
Women are the most susceptible to this idea we can be forever young. I mean ever since Jane Russell did the Playtex Bra commercials, women have been trying to lift and separate. However, the reality is, as we age, we sag and degenerate.
Men are nearly as guilty. After Nose-Reshaping and Eyelid Surgery, “Breast Reduction” rank 3rd on the list of male cosmetic procedures! (Can you say “man-boobs”?) Isn’t it just like women to want what men don’t want? We don’t want boobs, they want boobs. Rather than spending crazy amounts of money on these procedures, could we do some kind of swap? I’ll get rid of mine and give them to you? Sounds like a reasonable trade to me.
In the end, what’s it all for? We all get old and die. You can stretch it, tighten it, press the wrinkles out of it, lift it, fill it, and remove it, but that doesn’t stop the aging process. All it will do is possibly make you look a little better when they walk by your casket. However, knowing women, they will be all catty and say, “Did you know she had a boob job? She should have saved her money so she didn’t have to be buried in that cheap dress”!
The Lonesome Leaker 