The Lonesome Leaker

Last week I was sick. Really sick. That kind of sick that causes you to lock the doors, shut the blinds, turn off the phone, crawl in bed with the covers over your head, and never see the light of day, sick. When I feel that crappy, I want to see no one, hear no one, or speak to no one. I am a “don’t bother me just wake me when it’s over” kind of person when I am sick.

I am not exactly sure how I got so sick. I think it was traveling to New Jersey on business. Just the thought of traveling to New Jersey is enough to make most people sick. Especially to Newark. Now there’s a place everyone wants to go. When you fly to the New York City area, you have three choices; JFK, Laguardia, and way down on this list, Newark. You can’t even call Newark an armpit, because that’s a slap in the pits to armpits. Its more like a cesspool, or a toilet that hasn’t been flushed for six months.

So I am on United from Tampa to Newark. The plane is completely full, and I am in the very back row in the middle between two very large men, who are both coughing and hacking and wiping snot on the back of the seat in front of them. I try not to touch them, but its impossible. Flying coach today is like cramming 250 people into a sardine can with wings and a rubber band powered engine. Its worse than the thought of the 300 pound woman who lives across from me giving me a sriracha sauce enema with a garden hose.

I wasn’t feeling bad while I was in Newark, but on the way back I could feel it starting to hit me. You know, that NyQuil commercial  sniffling, sneezing, aching, coughing, stuffy-head, fever, kind of sick. I felt horrible, and immediately started rummaging through the cabinets to see what kind of medicinal elixirs I had at my disposal.

The worse thing you can do when you are sick is tell someone you are sick. Or let them see you or hear how you sound when you are sick. That’s because when you are sick, suddenly, everyone is a Doctor. Have you noticed this? Everyone has a medical opinion on what you should be taking, doing, not taking, not doing, etc. People you don’t know. People who never say a word to you. People who can’t even manage their own life. People who barely graduated High School, are giving medical opinions. Get plenty of rest. Drink plenty of fluids. Gargle with salt water. Swallow some combination of honey, lemon, apple cider vinegar, whiskey, Vick’s Vapor Rub, Castor Oil, hydrogen peroxide, butane, and on and on. Of course, there is an equally long list of what not to do.

Then, they all know a better Doctor than you are currently seeing. They haven’t actually seen this Doctor, but their neighbor or friend or someone who spoke to them while they were in the checkout line at Big Lots told them about this awesome Doctor. “Oh, this Doctor said you should do this, and this other Doctor said he would not recommend you being on that medication, and my friend, (Who is not a Doctor) said she had a horrible reaction to that, and even though her Doctor prescribed, she stopped that medication immediately.” (Because, or course, Gertrude who can’t find her keys or remember her phone number, knows more than any Doctor.)

Me? I am sick. Leave me alone. Don’t talk to me. Don’t tell me what your Doctor thinks. Don’t try to convince me you know what’s best for me. Don’t call me, I’ll call you. I’ll let you know when I feel better.

Like all things in life, “this too shall pass.”

If you think Congress is in serious need of term limits, you haven’t attended the Condo Association meetings at Paradise Shores.

At Paradise Shores, our Association President has served for 11 consecutive years. The actual term for President is only one year, but he keeps getting reelected. Most here can’t stand the guy, but no one else wants the job, so he keeps winning. Year after year after year. My neighbor says, at some point, the guy will just die, and then we will be rid of him. From the sounds of things, he may be planning the guys demise!

When someone is in power that long, it goes to their head. They begin to think they are King and everyone else is simply loyal subjects. Whats the quote about power corrupting?

This guy starts every conversation with, “You know, I used to be a Cop.” OK. That’s great. I have several friends who are Cops. I have a lot of respect for the job Cops are asked to do. However, no Cop I know just goes up to random people and says, “You know, I’m a Cop.” Who does that? People who are trying to prove they are some kind of authority figure do that. Condo Association Presidents that have been elected for 11 consecutive years do that.

My neighbor had an electrical smell in his condo, so he called maintenance to check it out. The next thing he knows the Association President is knocking on his door. He answers, and the guy says,

“You know, I used to be a Cop, (Of course) and I called the Association Attorney, and that electrical smell is not our responsibility. Its yours”.

Then he follows up with a “And I have never lost a court case and if you don’t like it, you can move!” My neighbor responds,

“Oh yeah, well I used to be in the FBI and worked for J Edgar Hoover, so what?” (Yes, these guys are actual Senior Citizens)

What happened next is funnier since both are in their 70’s.

My neighbor says the Association President put his hands on him. That was the last straw To which my neighbor said to get your hands off or I’ll kick you a**. To which the President says I’ll get a restraining order against you, and it just went downhill from there. Two old men cursing, screaming and threatening each other. I told him I think I remember this episode on Seinfeld!

Tonight he was recollecting the near altercation and told me he used to be very unstable when he was younger. (Thanks for letting me know) Seems he is much better now he is older, but still inclined to kick someones a** if he is provoked. Besides, he said, he has asked many owners in our building to name “one thing” the President has done. ONE THING! He says no one can name anything, but each year they still reelect the guy. Sounds familiar!

I asked him had he ever thought of running for the office? He said,

“You know, people have said I would make a good President.” Then he paused and said,

“But I am just too blunt and would say something that would offend these old ladies and that wouldn’t be good.”

So, it seems we have an iron clad case for term limits at Paradise Shores. However, as my neighbor says, at some point, the Association President will just die and “we will be rid of him”. I suppose death is the ultimate term limits!

It is said, “one man’s loss is another man’s gain.” Take an experience I had last week.

My Sister and Brother In Law were visiting, I’m driving them back to their condo when “BAM!” I smack head on into a concrete medium. My front tire immediately goes flat, and I limp my car to the nearest parking lot to call On Star for help.

In the meantime, instead of offering assistance, condolences, or moral support, my Brother In Law starts laughing. Not a snicker or chuckle, mind you. A derisive laugh is coming from his mouth. He is laughing so hard, his stomach starts hurting. It seems my calamity is one of the funniest things he has ever seen. He enjoys laughing at others misfortune, but I digress.

Soon, the emergency repairman shows up, changes my tire, I take my sister and her still laughing husband back to their condo, and head off to get my flat tire repaired.

While driving to a local tire repair shop I am familiar with, I happen upon another much closer to where I was going. This place is located south St. Petersburg, in an area where people with my skin tone are not supposed to be. But, if you know me, the idea I may be in a neighborhood where people don’t look like me, never crosses my mind. The man owns a tire repair shop, I need a tire repaired, so I stop.

The owner greats me with a smile, right after asking, “What are you doing
around here?”, and tells me he can fix my tire, no problem. He slides the jack under my car, takes off the tire, and begins to go to work.

I can’t help noticing all the people from the neighborhood coming and going in and around his business. Like it’s the local gathering place. Some are coming to get tires fixed, most are just hanging out. Talking, laughing, throwing barbs at the owner while he throws them right back. I say to him,

“You are in the wrong business. This is a reality TV show in the making! You start a camera here and you could end up a millionaire.” He laughs and replies,

“You think people tell their barber or their hair stylist crazy stuff? You ought to hear what they tell their tire repair guy!”

A very loud but very funny black woman is getting a couple of tires repaired. She previously worked at McDonald’s and said she just got a new job at the Vinoy. She needs four tires on her van, but can only afford two. I hear her ask the owner if she can buy four, pay for two today and two when she gets paid in two weeks. I come to understand the owner does a lot of business like this. It’s that kind of neighborhood. People are living paycheck to paycheck, just barely getting by. And, these are used tires he is selling, because few in this neighborhood can afford new ones.

The owner is finished with my car and says, “That will be $10.” $10??? You are kidding! He took an hour removing the tire, hammering out the bent rim, fixing the flat, balancing and reinstalling. Some mornings I spend $10 at Starbucks!

I ask him how much her bill would be. You know, the woman who needs four tires. He says, “$50.” I let him know I will be paying my bill and hers, but don’t say anything to her. He smiles and me and says, “Really? She is going to freak!”

As I am leaving, he can’t hold it in. He says to her, “That man just paid your bill.” What happened next can only be described as pure, unadulterated, joy!

“PRAISE GOD, PRAISE GOD, OH PRAISE JESUS, OH HE’S GOOD, OH PRAISE HIM, I KNEW HE WAS GOING TO BLESS ME!” Over and over and over again she yelled it at the top of her lungs as she was jumping up and down and hugging me as if she would never let go!

She asked my name. I said Dennis. She took out a piece of paper, wrote her name and phone number down and said, “Mr. Dennis, if I can even do anything for you, ANYTHING, you call me!” What gratitude!

So this Thanksgiving, don’t just be thankful for what you have. Be thankful for what you can give. For many of us, what amounts to the cost of going out to dinner, can mean being able to get to work for others.

Oh, and my Brother In Law? The guy who thought my loss was so funny? I am saving my laughter for his funeral!

Things aren’t looking particularly good for humanity. To hear many of my friends and family talk, this could be the end. If certain things don’t change, if particular people aren’t elected, we are finished. It’s over and done with. Heck, even my minister friends are predicting the end of the world as we know it if America doesn’t get this election right. This could even be the final election, they say, if the candidate of their choosing doesn’t win.

Why such gloom and doom, even among so-called “Believers”? Well, the answer is obvious. You see, God seems to be having a bad year. In fact, it appears He is coming off several bad years. Obama was elected twice, the economy has been sputtering, the Muslim population is growing, the threat of ISIS is expanding, all around us is nothing but violence, chaos and hopelessness. “The world is falling apart”, they say. Clearly, God is on a losing streak and needs our help to get things back on track.

This is not the first time the Heavenly Father has been at the center of some questionable decisions.

In the days of Noah, He let things get so bad, He ended up destroying everything except Noah, his family and a few animals. That was a very bad time for God.

Around 1446 BC He allowed a tyrant in Egypt, the Pharaoh, to turn His own followers into slaves and endure incredible hardship. Another bad period for God.

Again, about 600 BC, God fell asleep at the wheel and allowed Nebuchadnezzar to become King of Judah. This was the guy who tossed some of His most faithful followers into a furnace.

The years around the era of Jesus and his followers were some of the worse for God. I mean it was one horrible ruler after another. Herod, Pontius Pilate, Augustus and Tiberius Caesar, and Nero, to name a few. These lunatics fed Christians to lions for sport. Surely had God been paying attention none of this would have transpired.

More recently, the 1930’s and 40’s were not good years for God. Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo. Throw in the Great Depression, Pearl Harbor, The Holocaust, WWII. What could He have been thinking anyway?

In all the previous situations I have mentioned, eventually God righted the ship. History would record, even though things were very bad for a few years, God was able to get things back on track. That was, until now!

This time, God clearly needs our help. Maybe He’s just worn out from all the comebacks He’s had to make through the centuries. After all these years, He probably doesn’t have the patience or the attention span needed to deal with the world’s complex problems. Maybe He’s just lost interest. After all, his long-awaited return to rescue us from this mess, which we predicted long ago, is clearly overdue. Now, things have spiraled out of His control.

This is where we come to the rescue! WE, His most fervent worshipers, must jump in and help Him immediately! Before it’s too late! There is no time to waste! The survival of the Republic, and the world, now depends on US. Only WE can save it from extinction. No way God would have EVER intended for things to be such disarray, so we must act and act now! Time is of the essence!

I live in a 55/over condo community. It’s a tidy little place. The grass is cut weekly. The trees and shrubs trimmed to perfection. The landscaping is beautiful, lush and decorative. This summer maintenance has been meticulously repairing and repainting the carports. They even resealed and re-striped all the parking areas. Majestic palm trees line the entrance. It’s appropriately named, “Paradise Shores.” In fact, when you lease or purchase in the community, and they hand you the keys to your property, the manager says with a smile on her face, “Welcome to Paradise.”

At Paradise Shores, each condo has it’s own neatly landscaped area surrounding the property. In this area are shrubs, flowers, plants, and even small gardens, if you like. Those areas are lined with a concrete retaining wall. That wall serves as a bumper for the lawn service, as well as a barrier to keep the squirrels, rabbits, lizards, and other critters from damaging the foliage.

Recently, I noticed the wall between my property and my neighbor has begun to separate. The breach in this wall has widened to the point where lizards are getting through. That’s right, hundreds of undocumented lizards are pouring in from his side of the property. I don’t know who these lizards are, where they come from, I don’t know their intentions, or what they are seeking. I do know they don’t belong in my yard.

My neighbor seems completely unfazed concerning this growing catastrophe. He asked me, “what’s the big deal with lizards from my yard coming through the retaining wall into your yard”? Whats the “Big Deal”? Really? I have plenty of lizards in my own yard. More than I can currently care for. So many that when I open my back door several sneak by me and run in my house and hide. Then I have to search all over the house to find them and direct them back into the yard. At least I know my lizards and they will eventually obey my directive to get out of my house.

His lizards? I don’t know them and they don’t know me. How do I know they wont run into my house and start eating all my food? How about if they hide under the beds or in the closets and have babies? What if I can’t get them to leave? He doesn’t keep his place nearly as nice as I do, so naturally they will want to stay at my place!

I told my neighbor, that retaining wall has to be fixed, I can’t have his lizards coming through that wall and illegally entering my yard and my home.

His response, “Its your yard, your problem, fix the wall.”

No problem neighbor. I will fix the wall. In fact, I am going to build a bigger wall. It will be a great retaining wall between my yard and your yard. I am going to build a great wall because when I do something, I really do it well. Nobody builds a retaining wall like me. That I can guarantee. And do you know who’s going to pay for that retaining wall? That’s right! HE is going to pay for the retaining wall. Oh, he doesn’t know it yet, but he is. He wanted to make the wall my problem. Fine. I will build a great retaining wall and he will pay for it. Plus, all the lizards from his yard that are now in my yard? They are going back. Back to his yard where they came from. I may let some of them return at some point, but first, they have to go back to his yard!

The wall is going to be so great. A great retaining wall. He will see. Nobody builds a retaining wall like me. And who is going to pay for this wall? Thats right! He is!

I am obviously a sucker. Clearly I have been tricked, and I am not too happy about it. You see, I have been led to believe that the key to incredible deals and unbelievable savings is contained in this array of colorful, barcoded tags I carry with me everywhere I go. They fill my pocket, hurt when I sit down, tear holes in my pockets, hang from my ignition making all kinds of racket, and speak to me saying, “If you throw me away, you just may miss the bargain of a lifetime”!

So, I hold on to them like there is no tomorrow. Even the ones from establishments located in places where I no longer live. Some are even from stores that are bankrupt and out of business. What if the have one final sale, 99% off, only for those who have the magical tag? What if the business rises from the ashes and they have a Grand Opening sale only for customers who were lucky enough to hold on to their tag? I just can’t risk throwing it away!

Some of these tags, I don’t even know what they are for? Goodwill store? No one has ever ask for my tag when I have been in the Goodwill store. Obviously, the people who work for Goodwill don’t even know what the tag is for. How many customer points would one need to buy a $1.00 pair of underwear for 50 cents?

How about Big Lots? I mean they sell stuff the other stores wont even take (Spam Lite, Bull Snort Tongue Torch Hot Sauce, and Wasabi Lay’s come to mind) at a price that is close to stealing. How many bonus points do you need to accumulate to get a discount on a bottle of Brut aftershave?

Dicks Sporting Goods? That tag has been on my ring ever since Dicks opened in Indianapolis. I have spent literally $1,000’s at Dicks over the years and I think with the accumulated total of my “Score Card” points I was able to buy a package of golf tees. Wow

CVS? Don’t even get me started. Every time I am in a CVS, and that’s often, they hand me a receipt that’s longer than a roll of toilet paper. The line that forms behind me while the register is spitting out the receipt winds all the way back to the pharmacy before its finished printing. It never fails the one coupon I might actually use is for an item I just purchased! I know they rig the thing so it happens that way!

Youfit? That tag hardly looks used. Hmmm. Wonder why?

Kroger? There are no Kroger’s within 500 miles of where I live. But just in case….

I want to be rid of these useless pieces of plastic coated cardboard, but I just cant do it. Every time I finally get to the point of removing one from my key ring, a voice speaks to me as I am standing over the trash can and says, “What if”?!

Throughout history, the world has faced many epidemics. Smallpox, Bubonic Plague, Yellow Fever, Malaria, Cholera, Ebola, Hepatitis, and most recently, Zika. Some would say we also face an epidemic of obesity, diabetes and mental illness. Even things like loneliness, trust, entitlement and sexual dysfunction are now included in the “epidemic” category.

However, there is new epidemic sweeping the globe, that is impacting more people than all the previously stated epidemics combined. Its none other than the dreaded “Low Battery Anxiety”!

Before you laugh, consider this shocking statistic. In a recent survey of cell phone users, 90% said they panic about losing power to their phones! 90%! Where is a response from the World Health Organization? How about a word from the UN or even Congress? How could they all be completely silent when 90% of the world is in full panic mode from an epidemic that now seems to be a full pandemic?

According to the statistics, not only is Low Battery Anxiety causing people
to miss important meetings and functions, Its tearing apart relationships! If I am reading correctly, 77% of those surveyed said Low Battery Anxiety has negatively impacted their relationship with a date or a loved one. Truly shocking!

You have seen these people, particularity in airports, seated in coffee shops, bars, even sprawled out on the floor; anywhere they can be near an electrical outlet. You can see the panic in their eyes, hoping for just a few minutes of recharge time before their flight takes off. Airports have even installed for-pay power up stations for those willing to pony up a few bucks for a quick charge. Just enough so, God forbid, they aren’t left without the ability to send and receive texts as the plane pulls to the gate to unload!

Other troubling information from the survey included:

• 46 per cent of people say they feel embarrassed to ask a total stranger to use their charger, but would anyway because the anxiety of a dead smartphone is too great.
• 60 per cent of millennials will turn off their smartphone, and half will refrain from taking photos in hopes of prolonging their battery life.

And most disturbing of all, one in three people have gotten into an argument with a significant other or romantic interest as a result of unanswered calls or texts because their smartphone was dead! Proof positive Low Battery Anxiety is tearing apart the social fabric of our society! Dare I say the underlying message may be Low Battery Anxiety is now the #1 cause for divorce? Based on these survey results, I don’t think that statement is a reach!

As I stated previously, I believe the time to act is now! We must call on Congress, The United Nations, The World Health Organization, and all the great governments of the world. We must assemble the greatest minds to come up with a plan to stomp out this plague once and for all before it destroys us!

Men, when nature calls in the middle of the night, do you stub your toe trying to find your way to the commode? Women, are you tired of cleaning up the mess when your man “misfires”? Mom’s, do you struggle trying to potty train your little angel? Enter “IllumiBowl”, the motion activated toilet light that promises to make peeing fun again!

Women who have fallen into the toilet while the the lid is up, or had to deal with the issue of “over-spray”, will certainly appreciate this clever invention. With IllumiBowl lighting his path, your man will no longer have an excuse for missing the target. No more bumping into walls, searching for the bathroom light switch, or aiming in the wrong direction. IllumiBowl, as its creator states, “softly lights up the bowl, guiding you without blinding you.” IllumiBowl allows you to expel waste in an illuminated place!

IllumiBowl is held in place by tiny suction cups that attach it to the toilet lid. Just slide 3 AAA batteries into the case,(batteries not included) and you are on your way to serenading your toilet with a chorus of “You Light Up My Life”. IllumiBowl is also motion activated from up to 15 feet away. This means if you do get up in the middle of the night and start going before you reach the bowl, IllumiBowl will direct your path. Potty training Junior has never been so much fun. Especially when he can choose from 8 different color settings. IllumiBowl is a great educational tool. Junior can learn to pee and learn his colors all at the same time!

Lets face it, waking up in the middle of the night to a cold, white, indifferent, porcelain bowl can be shocking and downright depressing. That’s no way for nature to treat you when it comes calling. IllumiBowl brings fun and creativity to your nightly duty with 8 festive colors! Imagine an Orange light for the Halloween season. Green and Red for the Christmas holiday. Pink and Teal light your way for Easter. There’s also Blue and Green and White! You can even rotate the colors!

Imagine peeing in Red, White and Blue while you sing “Yankee Doodle Dandy” during America’s birthday! Too much green beer for St. Paddy’s day? IllumiBowl’s Green light will have you dreaming of leprechauns as you are lightening your load. You can even reveal the gender of your expectant child by choosing the Pink light or the Blue light. Think of Daddy’s excitement as he shouts, “Yes, the toilet is Blue!”

Additionally, for Prince fans, there’s a Purple light! Yes, in honor of the Rock Stars’ passing, you can create your own “Purple Rain” bathroom memorial. The combinations are endless, only limited by your own creativity. Cleanup is a snap. A damp rag and you are ready for the next user.

How can you not like this product? With IllumiBowl, it’s easier to pee, when you can see. When duty calls, you won’t bump into walls. You will know where to go, when you see the glow!

As the creator likes to say; IllumiBowl. Its Flushing Fantastic!